He replied to my comment asking me

What happened with your friends that made you so against babysitting?

Instead of posting another comment, I decided to use such an opportunity to write a post about it.

Where do I start?

First I want to make it clear from the very beginning that I have never had the chance to babysit myself. So, the truth of the matter is that I can only speak from other people’s experiences. Second of all it’s not really that bad. And it’s not necessarilly that I am against babysitting as a professional job. I’m not even against it as a part time job for students who can very well use a bit of extra cash in their pockets.

What actually bugs me is the attitude from the parents many babysitters must put up with.

As far as I understand the situation, we’re dealing with two large categories here.

The first one includes those parents who need someone to babysit only on certain occasions (they’re going to a concert, they have a date, they have a late business meeting etc.). These folks and their kids are easy to deal with. Mainly because they are part of their children’s lives (they know what it means to deal with a brat who just won’t go to sleep when told to). As a result they understand that, in many occasions, when the child complains about a babysitter is because they’re trying to get even with her (or him) as they could not get away with having and doing things their way.

The second category is represented by those folks who rely on a (professional) babysitter to raise their children. They don’t have the time to do it themselves. This category can be divided further on into two subcategories:
- busy professionals who lack time due to their jobs which require most of their time (they’re not really that bad either);
- “stay-at-home-anything-but-moms” (a.k.a. “Desperate Housewives“) Now the fun begins!

This last subcategory is the one that really got me to make the comment I made on Adnan’s post. It might be hard for you to believe, but you have no idea how many of them there are. All my firiends who used to work as babysitters had to deal with such type of “parents”.

But let’s start with the beginning. These ladies have nothing to do all day long, yet, for some reason, they need a baby sitter. Gimme a break!

Getting back to the actual baby sitter and what she or he has to deal with, probably the best way to start would be by saying that these women have no idea what the heck is going on in their children’s lives. They don’t know their children. They imagine they’re angels. They believe all the lies those kids tell them. And, not that I don’t like kids, but let’s face it: many times children are worse than grown ups when it comes to screwing you over. When you bring into the equation the feeling that they’re ignored by their parents you got yourself a mess. These kids, consciously or not, think that every babysitter is trying to replace the parents. In the same time they want their parents’ attention and time so badly that they do everything they can to get rid of everyone, hoping that will bring the parents back into their lives.

On the other hand, many of these moms feel so guilty about not spending time with the children that they put up with everything and expect the babysitters to do the same thing. This only encourages the child to become a brat, knowing he or she will get away with eveything. I know of multiple situations when the child will refuse to do something because “mommy doesn’t make me do that, so why should I listen to you?”

Another reason many parents let their kids do whatever they want is because they’ve got no idea what raising a child is all about. They don’t realize that many times it’s about saying no for the sake of the child. I know many cases of parents who gave the babysitter specific instructions as to let the children do whatever they want, whenever they want, to let them dress however they want, to let them eat whatever they want whenever they want. “We want to encourage them to have their own personality!” A two-year old? Are ya freakin’ kidding me?!?!?!?!

It’s even worse when such attitudes come from a mom who really stays at home to take care of the kids. Everything gets out of control and, before you know it, guess “Who’s The Boss?” You got it!

So there you have it Adnan. That’s why I am so against babysitting. My response was trigerred by all these facts and when I decided to comment I haven’t really thought of the fact that the question in your title was more for the heck of it rather than a serious matter.

As I said in my comment, it’s the parents that, through their influences over the children, sometimes make me go crazy only when I hear about babysitting.

It’s true that we also have the other face of the coin: babysitters who don’t know what the heck they’re doing. About that some other time. Maybe!

Other than that I strongly believe it’s better to tell the truth, even if it might hurt someone’s feelings.

Let’s take it step by step.

If you watch the video I suggested, you will very easily understand that the girl (Mary Roach) emphisez a couple of times that one of the reasons she decided to participate was friends and family who convinced her she has a great voice and she would make a great singer. I’m ready to bet anyone that at least 80% of all the guys and girls who try their luck with American Idol are in the same position.

I doubt anyone would try and convince their friends they are good singers just to see them embarras themselves. Also don’t even try and tell me anyone can receive a alot of real positive feedback when that person is a really bad singer. That’s why my conclusion is that what we’re dealing with here is a large number of people who are being lied for the sake of not hurting their feelings.

As a matter of fact I have my own experiences with this. When I hear a song I like, I usually sing along with it. When I was a child my dad really thought I had a pretty good voice. My mother, on the other hand, would always tell me that I suck at it. Did it hurt the first time? You bet. However, I got used to it and I realized she was right when more and more people told me the same thing. Now you might judge them as just being jealous and not wanting to see me become a huge success. I did so at first. When I trully heard myself singing… Well, lets just say I was thankful to all of those who didn’t lie to me for the sake of my feelings.

But don’t you always hear yourself sing? You do. The problem is that the sound of your voice is not really the one you hear. To get a closer version of the real sound of your voice record yourself. Nowadays almost anyone has a digital camera. Most of them will allow you to record movies. Do that. Preferably record a short video of you singing and then listen to it. Ouch! What did I tell you? I suggest you slap the next person who tells you what a great voice you have and what a great singer you could be.

Those of you who do indeed have a good voice you go ahead and take the necessary steps to become the next American idol. The other ones, just stop chasing windmills. If it’s not meant to be (because you don’t have what it takes) you’ll just waste your time.

However, this is not the topic we’re talking about here.

Getting back to it, ever since I realized what it means to not lie to people when you shouldn’t, I stopped doing it. My friends hate me for that sometimes, but every time they’re looking for an honest opinion, they come to me because they know they’ll get one (favorable or not). They know I’ll say it as it is, whether it hurts them or not. I’m not saying I don’t ever lie. If you read my other post you probably understood I do. I just weigh the seriousness of the situation and the effects it will have on the other person. And you can bet your life I won’t lie when I’m specifically asked for an honest opinion (which I can’t tell about other people I personally know).

I lack the capability of seeing things any other way. If you think you can change my mind, go ahead leave a comment. I doubt you’ll get any results though.

What do you do with them?

The holidays have passed a little while ago. I’m quite positive everyone has received some gifts they’re not really happy about. I know I have.

Now, in the case of gifts you got from people you don’t really give a damn about it’s very easy to get rid of them. There’s no guilt. You don’t really care if they come to you and ask what you’ve done with them. It’s quite easy to come up with a stupid excuse (even something like “the dog ate it”). You couldn’t care less whether they believe you or not or whether they’re hurt or not. It’s not very nice, but we all have “friends” we’re not really fond of.

What happens though in the case of family, friends who are really dear to you. They maybe couldn’t afford anything better or just had a bad day when they picked up your gift.

Before we go any further here’s what you should absolutely not do. Or at least put up in place a system that will keep you from embarassing yourseld. I have a friend of mine who had the bad habbit of passing to others gifts he didn’t want. It all went just fine until one day when he gave a gift to the person he got it from. I can’t even tell you the embarassement he went through. The guy didn’t talk to him for about a month.

What I like to do is use the gift (whatever that involves) for a while so that the person I got it from is happy. Then, after a while I phase it out, until I stop using it completely.

I know some of you might think that it’s always better to tell the truth. I am of the same opinion. However, there’s plenty of situations when telling a small lie really doesn’t hurt anybody. And I believe this is one of those situations.

I learned this on my own when I was about 10-11 years old. My parents and I were visiting my aunt. She had just been on a vacation out of the country visiting some friends. It had been quite a huge financial effort for her. However, she brought everybody little gifts. Mine was a clipboard. On previous occasions when we were there, she saw that I like to organize things. So, she thought I might really like a clipboard. And I did. I wanted to have a clipboard so badly, that I had my parents buy me one. The problem was that the one I had was more than a clipboard. It was more like a folder-clipboard. So when my aunt gave me the one she had bought, instead of appreciating her good will, I started bragging about mine and how it was much better than hers. To this day I can’t forget her face.

Of course I was just a kid and I didn’t know any better. Unfortunately though, I’ve seen grown ups do the same thing. This kind of honesty it’s not worth it. It only hurts our loved ones for no good reason.

While I do not necessarily disagree that parents should indeed try and work out their issues, I have, however, a certain level of disagreement with the rest of the above idea, in that I totally disagree with it.

First of all I don’t know how many of the supporters of such an idea find themselves in the position of living next to a spouse whom they just stopped loving or get into fights with all the time or even hate them. It’s not an easy thing to do. It’s extremely uncomfortable, to say the least.

I know everyone says they would do anything for the well being of their children (provided they loved them, of course). Nothing wrong with that. I would do too.

But have you ever stopped for a second and trully and honestly analyze the situation? Have you ever really thought what is the child going through? Is it really this the best solution? I have come to the conclusion that it isn’t.

Let’s start with the beginning. What is the child going through? What does he or she see all day long? A couple who can’t stand each other. Who dislike (to use a nice word) each other so much that they can’t spend one single minute in one another’s company. Who don’t sleep in the same bed anymore. Who don’t talk to each other anymore for months in a row (probably because they realize that any attempt of a conversation – on any topic – would lead to yet another fight). Who don’t agree on anything, in many cases not even when it comes to the child’s future. He sees a house in which everything is stagnant because the parents just can’t agree on any major projects (such as painting the house, redoing the kitchen or bathroom, buying new furniture etc.)

This is a very disoriented child who just doesn’t know what to do because one of the parents will always disagree.

You know how usually children choose one of their parents as a model in life? Well, in this case it’s kind of hard to do so. It’s very hard for him or her to see any good in any of the two parents as all he/she hears about all day long is the ugly sides of them. Sometimes because the parents take the really unhealthy approach of talking to their child about such issues pointing to him or her such faults. Other times because (voluntarily or not) he/she is present at some of the numerous figths between the parents which end up in a myriad of finger pointing and reciprocal accusations.

In many cases the child ends up not fully understanding the nice, good, beautiful sides of the parents, but only the ugly, nasty ones. Depending on how early in life this happens, if they lack the maturity to realize on their own that, most likely, the parents are not necessarily bad people, they’re just mean to each other, they might end up not much different than “children who come from a broken home”. Why? Because a house without the least of harmony and the least level of normality, it’s not easy to take.

While in many cases kids raised by a single parent screw up their life because of lack of parental control, education and just plain simple presence (whether because that parent is working probably 2-3 jobs and simply doesn’t have the time for any of those or she or he just doesn’t really care about the child), in the case we’re talking about now, the same thing can happen, sometimes for the same reason or for some other ones.

One of them is that in such houses, as I said, there’s a continuous tension and hard to take atmosphere. So what is the child going to do? Look for outside sources of support, friendship and, many times, parenthood. Needless to say, in many cases, there’s a very short distance between this moment and the one when the parents loose control over the child.

Other children get affected by this situation in another way. Seeing how, in their house, every single disagreement can lead to nasty fights and, over time, getting sick and tired of them, they might, in many cases unconsciously, become the kind of person who agrees with everybody, just to avoid a fight. He or she might never ever be able to find the strength to fight for his or her rights. Everyone takes advantage of them.

I don’t want you to think that what I’m trying to say is that at the first fight all parents should go and file for divorce. That’s absolutely not my point. What I’m advocating is that those parents who find themselves incapable of working things out between themselves, when it’s clear to everyone they’re both like two hard rocks which bang against each other all the time without any of them breaking, when everything that could be done was done (see a counselor, take a break from each other etc), when it’s clear for all parties that they’re dealing with a failing marriage they should let it fail. It’s not worth it, and more than that, it will be a rather negative influence for everyone. It’s time to let go.

And the sooner it’s done the better. The younger the children, the sooner they will forget. It will be a little harder to take, but it will be easier to get over it. Besides that, the sooner the less damage they have to endure.

In the same time, the sooner the younger the parents are and bigger the chances they will find another partner with whom to start a new family. The later, the bigger the chances they will not and the bigger the chances they just won’t have the power to start all over again. They might be so sick and tired of it and scared of failing again, they might just choose to not even try anymore.

And so everyone’s screwed.

I have to admit that all of the above comes from my own eperience. It’s what I’ve been through, what I’ve seen others go through and what I find to be some other very possible effects of continuing a marriage for the sake of the children.

I really wish nobody would have to go through any of them. Unfortunately life sucks (but it beats the alternative) and there’s always going to be parents and children struggling with this. For the sake of everyone, I honestly hope I’ve made my point clear enough and that others will have the power to put a stop to their marriage (when it’s clear there’s no more hope) before it gets out of control.

Seriously now, the whole conversation got directed into why is it that girls change so suddenly once they hit puberty and from “my little sweet girl” become the bitches of the block.

Well first of all it’s puberty – daaaah…

A couple of the callers and the moderators themselves were trying to send the girls the message they should undertsand why their parents forbid certain things, why they have curfews, why they do this why they do that: for the benefit of the kids. I don’t doubt that a bit. I would be doing the same thing. They even had one lady who called and talked about how grateful she was to her mom for not letting her stay out late go to certain parties (’cause we all know what’s going on there.)

What I have a problem with is their attempt to try and explain something like that to young kids (when you’re a teen you’re still young). It’s USELESS. They don’t get it. As long as there will be parents and kids there’s always going to be this misunderstanding. Why is that?

Well, lets take it one at a time.

The kids: kids (in general) will never ever get it that parents (who love their children) have to, sometimes, be harsh and forbid things. They are too young. They don’t have the necessary maturity and experience to be able to understand such a concept. They just can’t! Their brain doesn’t process yet such complicated issues the way an adult does.

One caller even brought up the fact that all of a sudden kids don’t want to spend time and do things together with the parents anymore. All they want to do is be with their friends. This is because of another concept children can’t understand: friends come and go, but family is the one who will always be there for you. I remember when I was at that age. And my parents kept trying to explain it to me. But, for all I knew, I was sick and tired of being with them all the time. I wanted to do something different. I wanted to be with my friends. They were the ones I was having things in common with. They were the ones who would listen to what I had to say (without giving me the “oh your’re young, what do you know?”). They were the ones who would laugh at my jokes. They were the ones who would not criticize my taste in music or movies. They were the ones who understood why I thought that pair of jeans was cool, while that pair of trousers just sucked.

Of course that as time goes by we gain more experience, we start understanding that not everything that flies is food, we start seeing the ugly side of the human being, we start sharing the same tastes and interests as our parents, we start learning that family is the only one who will be there for us, we start understanding that we are not alone and that our parents won’t be around forever and thus start cherrishing them and appreciate them at their true value. And so on and so forth.

Parents: Don’t even get me started on parents. They are actually the ones to blame the most. As I said, kids lack the maturity to see things any other way than they do. The parents on the other side should. They should realize what’s going on and take a different approach and not of accuse, judge, point fingers and just plain forbid anything the kid wants to do, without the mere attempt of understanding… It’s a big NO-NO.

What they should do once they see the generation gap shaping up is be honest with themselves. First they should try and remember their situation at that age. It’s true that the values have changed; they will continue to do so until the end of the world, getting worse and worse.

Getting back to our topic, they should just start talking with their kids. Understand why they want to do what they want to do. Why they like what they like. Why wearing your pants half way down your butt is so cool (I never got it either). Why this, why that?

Next thing is stop judging. When you see them walking out of the house with their butts naked, instead of screaming and yelling at them that the only way they are allowed to leave is if they change or pull up their pants (especially if one of their friends are witnessing your scene), just let it go. Maybe try and convince them to pull them up just a little bit. Understand they won’t be dressing like this forever. So what if your neighbours will point their fingers at you for not being able to control your kid? Dressing code is a very superficial issue. If you take the above approach you will make your kid understand that you’re not trying to ruin his/her life (otherwise, no matter how much you explain to them that’s all they’ll understand anyway). You will have much better chances at having your voice heard in much more important issues (drugs, alcohol, school etc) since, when talking about them your child will not have the misconception that no matter what he/she does, you’re always going to say “no”.

Besides all of the above, just let it go. Understand that puberty is just a phase. It will go away. By you trying to impose your point of view in all matters will only make the situation worse and you might estrange your kid for a long time (if not forever). As a reblious attitutde they might even start doing bad in school, associate with gangs, messing their whole life forever.

I’ve seen this whole situation handled both ways. And I’ve seen much better results from parents who deal with this issue as described above than I’ve seen from those who took the much easier road: scream and yell baby.

Just be understanding, stop judging and embarrasing you kids in front of their friends and remember you were once like them.

Good luck!