(Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

After a power outage: Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.

C’mon… you can do it… just a little one. That’s the way… just a little beep, just a little one. C’mon… good boy… here we go… like this - beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c’mon… There you go!

Computer style monotone: Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong… Gowrong… Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP

(Drawling granny voice) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn’ have fanshy gadgets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don’ like ‘em, but I shay it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Despite the best efforts of the telephone company, you really DID reach 555-1234. But that didn’t help much, did it? You still have to talk to a machine.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can’t come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we’re going to have to size it a little… (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you’ll hear from me. If not, you’ll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn’t look as if I’m in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn’t really the beep. Are you ready now?

Hello! I’m on a four state killing spree! WATTA YA WANT?

Hello. If you’re calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it’s good news, wait for the tone.

Hello. This is Mark and Nathan’s phone. We’re not here right now, but the phone is.

Hello. This is Ron’s answering machine, Marvin, and I’m SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don’t talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it’s so cheery sounding.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hello… Yes, I’d like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas please, with extra cheese… Oh, did I get the wrong number? Sorry about that. (Click.)

Hello, please send me an email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now

Hello, this is David. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back - only that I won’t.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We’re in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

Hello, you have reached 555-1234. Our voice mail system is currently experiencing difficulties, so at the tone, please type your message on the keypad using the appropriate letters, and press the pound sign when finished.

Hello, this is Ron. I’m not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … really slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.

Hi. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave us a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi!! You’ve reached Janet and Chris’s room. We’re not in right now. If this is our parents, we’re at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that’s it. If this is any one else, we’re at a party and you’re not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the… Pope. Yeah that’s it.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I’m home right now, and in a moment, I’ll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I’ll be thinking about it…

Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE… See the world, LIVE a little… Have fun.

Hi, you’ve reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can’t understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this… YOW!

I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

I’m not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn’t take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don’t leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave us a message.

If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If…

In Joe Friday voice: This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave’um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

(Long pause, sound of phone dropping, sleepy voice:) Argh! (Pause.) Hello… (Sound of phone dropping, then a yawn.) Sorry man… I’m a bit tired at the moment… (Long yawn.) I’m going back to sleep now… Just going to switch the answering machine on…

Mom, Dad… Don’t you think it would be easier to reach me if I had a cellular phone? So how about an early birthday present?

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I’m a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy’s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I’ll… Uh, I’ll post it on the fridge where he’ll see it. Uh… By the way, where did you say you live?

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I’m not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.)

Please leave a tone after the message.

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We’re sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren’s not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota.

The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by… (Ring…) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.)

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren’t here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren’t here right now, but if…
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I’m leaving a phone message since we aren’t here.
Matt: But you left the last one — it’s my turn.
Steve: No, I’m sure it’s my turn.
Matt: No, you’re wrong. It’s definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool, I know it’s… Wait… Matt… What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK… THUD)
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Thank you for calling, no doubt,
As you can guess, we’re out.
When we get home,
We’ll call on the phone.
Until then, just hang about.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell…

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway’s not here right now, but if you’ll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he’ll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn’t count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom’s Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab ‘em and we slab ‘em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we’ll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I’ve got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn’t hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling…

This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

This is Fred. We are not… excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I’ll have to get back to you later.

This is not an answering machine—this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is “supercilious”.

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.)

(Very fast) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you’re going about it all wrong, so we certainly can’t help you. If you’d just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does…

When the caller calls your number, as Steven Wright suggested, simply have your message be a busy signal!

Yo. I ain’t here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I’ll get back… (Sniff, sniff…) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as-is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…

You might be calling to give me important information. If so, leave your information at the tone. Or perhaps you just want to have a casual conversation. If so, leave a message and I’ll get back to you so we can have the conversation later. Or perhaps you want to know what I’m doing tonight, in which case it’s the same thing I do every night. TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!