A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What the heck did you do that for!?!” the man screams.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore do you?”
The man says, “No I don’t, you IDIOT… But my wife out in the car still does!”

Johnny, who is nine years old comes home from school. His mom asks what he learned today.
“The teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a mission to get the Jews out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, the engineers who were with him, built a bridge and the Jews crossed it safely. Then he called the Air Force which launched bombs and destroyed the bridge. So the Egyptians couldn’t follow them anymore.”
“Is it really that what the teacher told you?”
“No mom, but nobody believed his story…”

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, “Hey, Pop! What are you doin’?”
His father says, “Son, I’m filling your mother’s tank.”
Johnny says, “Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning.”

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out “Oh my God!….”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don’t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ….. brought both paws together…bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”

At the psichyatrist:
“Congratulations Tom, you’re making progress. The treatment is working for you.”
“You call this progress? Six months ago I was Napoleon. Now I’m nobody.”

Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, “My mother told me to say no to everything.”
“Well,” Barry said, “do you mind if I put my arm around you?”
“No,” the girl replied.
“Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?”
“N-n-no,” the girl replied.
“You know,” Barry said, “We’re going to have a lotta fun if you’re on the level about this.”

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?”
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.”
“Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.”
“Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.”
“Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.”
“Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?”
“You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole the tent.”

The Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.”
The Husband: “Water in the carburettor? That’s ridiculous.”
“I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.”
“You don’t even know what a carburettor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
“In the pool.”

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”