A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cursing.” The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say hell and you say ass.”
“OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

The doctor to his patient before the surgery:
“How old are you?”
“I will be 40 next month.”
“I love your enthusiasm, you know…”

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn’t made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, “Why not call him up?”
He calls up the lawyer.
“Sir, according to our research you haven’t made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?”
The lawyer responds, “A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?”
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, “Well, no sir, I’m…”
“Does your research show that my sister’s husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!”
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. “I’m terribly sorry…”
“Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?”
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. “I am sorry sir, please forgive me…”
“The gall of you people! I don’t give them anything, so why should I give it to you!”

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant in her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!”

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can chat for awhile first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again,
“May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why. “Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!”

Three men are having a round of golf and discussing their sons’ careers. The first man begins to brag that his son is a wealthy CEO and once bought his girlfriend a brand new Ferrari. The second man boasts that his son is also a wealthy CEO and he recently bought a lavish vacation home in the Hamptons for him and his girlfriend. The third man then admits, ashamedly, that his son is a male stripper at a gay bar. As the other two began to snicker, the third man finishes, “But he’s doing well for himself. He only dates wealthy CEO’s, like one that bought him a Ferrari, and another who bought him a home in the Hamptons!”

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ”Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”
“And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.
“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the department manager.
“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.
”Simple,” said the department manager, ”Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.”’

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the horses stumbled, he said, “That’s once.” Then it stumbled again. He said, “That’s twice.”
Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead.
His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, “That’s once.”